Things that we regret
by Pilotofmymind
Summary: In a time when Kakashi could have done everything right, he chose to do everything wrong, and he doesn't know how that happened, and this is his biggest regret.


Kakashi remembers the age when he realized that he indeed, was a homosexual. Though he realized it at an earlier age then most, he was thirteen when he just started looking at other boys--or technically men-- with lust in his eyes.

It wasn't until he was nearing the age of fifteen that he actually looked at someone close to his own age with a look of complete and total ravishment, he had the day off and he was just in town picking up some groceries, when a boy ran right into him, knocking him to the ground, and a voice much too deep for that of a youth was asking him if he needed help up, or if he was okay.

"I'm fine." was Kakashi's quick answer, as he got up on his knees and began to collect his groceries, glancing over slightly, he noticed the boy was still standing, and the fact that he was looking him straight in the crotch didn't bother him, looking up into the boys face did though, he was one of the most strangely handsome men Kakashi had ever seen.

Kakashi re-coiled slightly, dropping the box he was holding, as the boy knelt in front of him, and picked the box up. "Let me help you." he said as he took the bag and started to collect Kakashi's spilled groceries. Kakashi couldn't help but notice how deep his voice was, much deeper then any other young man that Kakashi knew.

"Th...thank you." Kakashi said as he stared to the ground, and began picking his things up, "I'm Hatake Kakashi." he said after a moments hesitation, as they were both standing up.

"I know. I've studied your work, I think you're a fantastic shinobi." he said as he did a thumbs up, and grinned.

Kakashi swallowed slightly, more out of anger then anything else, as he took the bag. Another fan, not exactly what he had been hoping for.

"I'm Maito Gai, Konaha's Beautiful beast!" Gai said after Kakashi refused to respond.

"Oh? ... I've never heard of you." Kakashi said after a slight consideration, as he turned slightly, just barely catching sight of Gai's face as it fell, with a heart wrenching look of sorrow.

"G-Goodbye Kakashi-san!" Gai shouted waving after Kakashi, "I hope to see you again soon!" he called after Kakashi, as he cupped his hands over his mouth, "I'd like to spar with you sometime!" he shouted.

Kakashi smiled softly as his gaze shifted to the ground and he walked away, seemingly ignoring Gai.

He didn't know that it would be weeks before he'd see Gai again, nor did he realize at the time, that every time he'd go to pleasure himself he would picture Gai, his perfectly sculpted body (which at the time actually wasn't as perfectly sculpted as Kakashi thought it was), and his beautiful smile.

And the next time he'd see him would be as he himself was leaving for his ANBU test mission. As he climbed up onto the window sill, and as he was about to jump out, Maito Gai was jumping in, blood dried to his body suit, which clung to his body, wet from the rain that had started, yet hadn't managed to wash away the dried blood on him.

Glancing to side Gai frowned as he caught sight of Kakashi, all decked out in his ANBU armor, and a black skin tight ANBU body suit, with a dog mask covering his face. And much to Kakashi's surprise, Gai reached out and grabbed his wrist, turning him to face him, he didn't smile this time though, he seemed slightly perturbed.

"You know, Kakashi-san, I don't mean to pry, but if you keep putting on mask after mask, as you have been since you graduated, you're going to lose yourself." he said as he patted Kakashi's shoulder.

Kakashi was somewhat annoyed, as he brushed Gai's hand away, though any other time he would have been pleased to have Gai stop him to talk, now he was only annoyed, now he wasn't supposed to talk to people, now he wasn't supposed to be a person, now he was only a number, now he was only a tool, and if he died there were twenty others to take his place. "Pardon me Maito-san, but I have to go. Not all of us have the time to stand around chatting leisurely." Kakashi said in a tone that came out colder then it was supposed to. As he jumped out the window he made the mistake of looking at Gai's face, just in time to see another heart wrenching expression, but right now he didn't have time to feel bad. Right now he had to work.

And when he was seventeen, with some one depending on him (_really depending on him_), he remembers her soft smile as she slides her mask into place, and takes to the shadows. He never understood why she was so calm, so happy, when her personal life had fallen apart long ago, because after Obito she had seemingly shut down. And he wasn't really sure she was better now, as they went through the shadows, as the two ghosts that they had become (_forever remembering the boy they had let die..._), he hoped that she could see past his pain, and straight to his heart, and realize that he missed him too.

But at times, she didn't even seem to realize that Kakashi had been there as well.

And he remembers, and this actually, physically, hurts to remember, that he had made the mistake of letting her go the opposite direction, that he himself had gone.

And he remembers, having tears in his eyes as he collected her dog tags from her lifeless body, and he remembers the pain he felt as he took her mask, but after that he doesn't remember, not for a few years.

It wasn't until he actually did lose himself to all of his masks that he saw Gai again, he was twenty three at the time, straight out of the ANBU, he had been discharged, he was stumbling drunk, something he had never been able to do while he was in the ANBU, when he hit the wall of some random building, feeling as if he were going to vomit, when he felt a strong hand on his shoulder, and one on his chin, making him look up, and straight into Gai's eyes. And he felt like his face was on fire (_but he could have easily blamed the blushing on the alcohol_.).

"Are you okay?" Gai asked gently as he smiled softly at Kakashi, wondering who got this drunk in public.

Though he remembered Gai's name perfectly well, and his voice, which had somehow deepened over their years apart, and his face, which had grown to be even more handsome then it used to be, and seemed to have filled out, it looked rugged now, it was a cliche, rugged and manly. And Kakashi couldn't help but chuckle softly, as he tried to form the words in his mouth, "What's your name?" Kakashi mumbled, though it was hardly legible through the slurring.

Kakashi had never seen some get so angry so fast, as soon as the words were out of his mouth, Gai's face flushed out of anger, and he pulled away, clenching his fists at his sides, and he was trembling slightly. "I-I am Maito Gai! Konaha's Beautiful Green Beast!" Gai said in a low menacing voice, that Kakashi was sure he'd used to intimate thousands of people before.

Yet it had no effect on Kakashi. As he pushed Gai to the side and stood on his own, and began to stumble home. "I've still never heard of you." he muttered as he tried to walk away, stumbling he fell to the side, and would have fallen over if Gai hadn't caught him. He doesn't remember that Gai walked him home, (or claims not to remember it,) or that he invited Gai in, practically dragging the man in by the hi-ate leaf forehead protector, that was so conveniently wrapped around his waist.

He also likes to claim that he doesn't remember what happened next.

"Gai..." Kakashi said, as he exhaled deeply, remembering the days events over, as he flopped down onto the couch, out of Gai's arms.

"Yes Kakashi-san?" Gai asked as he knelt in front of Kakashi and began to remove his ANBU armor, which he still wore.

"Have you thought about me?" Kakashi slurred as he ran his fingers through Gai's hair.

Gai laughed as he looked up at Kakashi "What? Right now? Or in general?"

"...in general." Kakashi answered quietly, as he lifted his arms so Gai could remove his chest plate.

"Yes of course I have Kakashi, you're one of the best shinobi in the whole village. You're amazing! I'd love to spar with you, if you get the time." Gai said as he grinned at Kakashi.

And Kakashi realized, for the first time in his life that he might be attracted to a man who wasn't interested in him, yet he didn't care... Or maybe it was the fact that he was breaking that made him not care, but all he remembers, (and pretends not to), is that he was grabbing Gai by the hair, he was pulling his mask down and leaning forward, pressing his lips to Gai's, and falling off of the couch into his lap.

Gai seemed to be startled, as Kakashi kissed him sloppily, leaving saliva on his lips, and some on his cheeks, and down his neck, and he bit the collar of the body suit, and tugged slightly. Yet Gai slowly began to respond, and before either of them knew it they were slowly making their way to the bedroom, not leaving much behind, two leg warmers, a chuunin vest, two body suits, a pair of boxerbriefs, and a pair of briefs, before they knew it they were in the bed, kissing as hard as they could, and trying to find a comfortable way to hold each other, because Kakashi had never held someone as big as Gai, and Gai had never held anyone as skinny as Kakashi.

And Gai vaugely remembers wondering how the other man had become such a skinny person, he remembers Kakashi before the ANBU, before the sleepless nights, and the weeks without food, before the days he would come home from a mission, and throw up from eating only an apple. He remembers the Kakashi that Obito had helped to create, not the Kakashi he's holding now, not the Kakashi he's putting everything he has into pleasing, not the Kakashi that's panting underneath him, and digging his nails into his back, asking him, no, begging him, to go harder. He remembers the Kakashi that knew (_or at least should have known_), how to make love.

And Gai can't hide the tears that begin to run down his cheeks, as he goes against what he believes, and goes harder. He won't go as hard as Kakashi wants though, yet he still manages to make Kakashi enjoy himself. And after it's over Gai can't help but feel awkward, because it wasn't his idea, and things didn't go how he wanted them to (_because, more then anybody realizes, Gai loves to be in control of the situation_), he's been trying to figure out how to tell Kakashi that he liked him for years, and this isn't how he imagined it happening, but Kakashi has fallen asleep and Gai decides to leave, and come back in the morning.

And he does just that, much to Kakashi disapproval. Kakashi has been up for hours, still not used to the idea of not being an ANBU. And as he goes to open the front door, he hopes that Gai won't mention the night before, but he knows he will, because that's just the type of person he is, and Kakashi wishes he could be like him.

_Yet he doesn't..._

As he opened the door and peered out, he couldn't help but notice that his sharingan was burning, and he once again saw that hopeful look on Gai's face, the eagerness for acceptance, the need to be wanted, the desire to please _him_.

"What?" he asks masking his voice with a thickness of sleep, though he was already up.

"I-I'm glad that you're home... I thought that being in the ANBU you might be gone by now." Gai said smiling widely, "But since you're here, I was wondering if we could talk of our youthful, erm, activities, of last night?" Gai asks, much too hopeful for Kakashi to help him, because unlike Gai, Kakashi can't show that much emotion (_or any for that matter_), and he wonders why Gai has to bring this up so early in the morning, when he could be mourning all of his lost comrades (_but then again, he probably isn't responsible for the deaths of all of his friends_.).

"...what are you talking about?" He asks, though he has no idea where that response came from, or the one after it, "I don't remember anything that happed last night. Not after my third bottle of sake, and you weren't there when I started it, so I doubt you were there when I finished it."

And for the third time he sees that heart wernching expression cross Gai's, features, but he quickly recovers, instead forcing a smile, and giving a thumbs up "Our challenge schedule of course! You said you would meet me by the river side tonight for a swimming contest, my eternal rival!" Gai responds, tears glistening in his eyes, yet he doesn't cry "I shall see you there! And if I lose I shall do three hundred and fifty one armed push ups with you sitting on my back!" Gai says, closing his eyes as he smiles for a second, a single tear escaping and rolling down his cheek.

And Kakashi thinks of how out of place that tear seems, yet he only narrows his eyes, he knows Gai's lying, and Gai knows Gai's lying, but is ther a reason to break this pristine moment with the truth? So he gives a slight shrug, all the while wondering where that 'Eternal Rival' stuff had come from, "Fine." is all he says to Gai before closing the door, and he listens as Gai runs down the stairs, most likely going to cry, and _really_ cry, for the first time in his life.

And Kakashi remembers this, he'll never forget it, because that day was the fifth time in his life that he'd cried, and actually cried. After leaving the living room, and heading into the bathroom he stood looking at the floor for what seemed like ages, before he looked into the mirror, startled to see someone else looking back at him, he took a quick step back, and got into a fighting stance , and then he noticed that goofy grin, the unkempt appearance, and the soft expression, and he felt like he would die right there.

"...Obito." he whispered as he looked in the mirror, and remembered the comrade who had sacrificed his life, for him.

He doesn't know when, but he had started to scream, as he collapsed onto the floor, covering his mouth loosely with his hands, as he screamed, his throat burning, and he didn't know how long he had screamed before his screams had subsided into sobs, and he wished he had let Gai stay.

And after that, after all of that had happened, and finished, he got to the meeting area late, coming up with some dumb excuse, he had the challenge with Gai, and more after that, when they could.

And now, as he's dying, and thinking back on all the things that he remembers, and even the ones he claims not to, he regrets it. He regrets letting Gai go when he had the chance to have him, and he regrets that he hadn't tried harder to be nice to his father before he took his own life, he regrets the decisions he made with Team 7, he regrets not telling Naruto that Minato was his father, and he regrets not treating Obito with more respect, and most of all he regrets letting Obito down, by not keeping Rin safe.

It just seemed fitting that he ended up with his father, instead of his friends, his father had committed sepaku, and _he_ had killed everyone close to him.

Yet, he hadn't expected to forgive his father, but that was exactly what he did.

______

A/N; I started writing this back in october, but didn't bother with it until like november, and now I finally finished touching it up. Anywho, just posting this to say that I am taking a break from Naruto fics from now on, don't know when I'll start writing them again, or whatever, I don't really care either, because I'm sick of it.

Hope you enjoy it. Based when Kakashi died in the manga.


End file.
